Season 1: Eastbound & Down Chapter 1
Kenny Powers Quotes
I play real sports. I’m not trying to be the best at exercising.
These are the most memorable Kenny Powers quotes from this episode, along with the opening scene narration, and readings from the famous audiobook “You’re F*cking Out, I'm F*cking In”.
I am talking about me. I want — these are questions about me personally as a superstar. You know, you got this moment in time here with an American icon and you’re gonna waste it asking a question about the f*cking mile?
You know what? I can already tell that I don’t like you. And I’m probably not gonna like you no matter how many pull-ups or push ups you can do.
All right, so let me get this straight. I’m gonna pay for a blow job, and I gotta pay for a goddamn hotel room too? That just seems like I’m spending too much money for nothing. I’ve got a house. You can just get over here. I can just do the blowjob here. And can I wear the Scream mask? The mask from Scream? While I do you from behind.
I’m Kenny Powers! And I am very upset with how I am acting right now. I just have a very hard time expressing my emotions, and I can’t stop from yelling.
God has taken a dump on my face. The love of my life doesn’t want to have sex with me cause she’s marrying some smoothie eatin’ fairy.
The only job op I got is teaching a bunch of pisspants how to tie their shoes.
I need to remember that I’m a winner man. I need to remember that I am better than everyone else. Bulletproof tiger, man.
Opening Scene / Prologue Narration
When my ass was nineteen years old I changed the face of professional baseball... I was handed the keys to the kingdom, multi million dollar deals, endorsements. Everyone wanted a piece of my sh*t... Just a man with a mind for victory, and an arm like a f*cking cannon. But sometimes when you bring the thunder, you get lost in the storm...
With a true champion face to face with his darkest hour, he will do whatever it takes to rise above. A man fights, and fights, and then fights some more. Because surrender is death, and death is for p*ssies.
And my ass ain’t no p*ssy. My ass is a f*cking champion.
Readings From the Kenny Powers Audiobook
Undaunted I knew the game was mine to win. Just like in life, all of my successes depend on me. I’m the man who has the ball, I’m the man who can throw it faster than f*ck. So that is why I am better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my d*ck. Everyone.
Alot of people ask me, “Kenny Powers you’re a giant star - you can get any woman. Have you ever paid for sex?” The answer is yes, I have. Several times in fact. And its actually kind of cool. You can negotiate practically anything, and sometimes even just kinda do stuff in the moment you never agreed to pay for, and it goes by without much argument.
You want to know about relationships? I know all there is to know. Just ask my second wife Tina. Yeah, she was a stripper. And if Montel Williams wants to talk sh*t some more then he can go f*ck himself cause those charges were dropped.
Sure I’ve been called a xenophobe, but the truth is I’m not. Honestly just feel that America is the best country and all the other countries aren’t as good. That used to be called patriotism.