Season 1: Eastbound & Down Chapter 3
Kenny Powers Lines
Smashing a brick through a f*cking dude’s window is nothing compared to the things I’ve done. I’ve killed people.
These are the most memorable Kenny Powers quotes from this episode, and also include readings from the famous audiobook “You’re F*cking Out, I'm F*cking In”.
I could use somebody like you. Just do all my bullsh*t, my f*cking running around. The I could just have to to focus on the day-to-day.
You were driving because you are my assistant. And that’s what my assistant does - he drives me around when I get sh*t-hammered.
You see that? That’s where my d*ck goes through.
He’s some hotshot pitcher trying to be me. Trying to bite the Kenny Powers f*cking style. I wanna know when he plays. I want to see what this needle-d*ck impostor is working with .... He wants in the big game and so do I. He’s my competition, a casualty of my f*cking war.
Are you ready to learn some next level sh*t? From this moment on you guys are no longer little kids — you are cold calculated murderers. This is the mindset you’ve got to be in if you want to be a champion.
Besides getting shot on the back of the head, do you know what else Abraham Lincoln did? He was a champion wrestler in high school. And I’m not making that up...
Obviously, I’m not going to need steroids when I’m in f*cking shape. This is just to kick-start the training, dude.
You look like a f*cked up Michael Myers .... If I took you from behind right now I’d be f*cking myself over.
Dudes got d*ck for style. He’s got no showmanship or personal pizzazz. Its like watching a f*cking pitching machine.
Oh, and what’s that? Looking at a bunch of little boys throwing balls, instead of getting on board my sh*t and seeing what real talent looks like? Well that’s f*cking terrific — my business is being a goddamn powerhouse and making millions of bucks.
Readings From the Kenny Powers Audiobook
Some people say that Kenny Powers is a woman hater. That’s not true - I love women. Every f*cking one of them, even the ugly as sh*t ones. But don’t ask me to trust them. Not even nuns. Because every pair of t*ts comes with a gaping hole of need that even Kenny Powers can’t fill.
I have been blessed with many things in this life - an arm like a damn rocket, a c*ck like a burmese python, and the mind of a f*cking scientist.
I never bought into Native American mythology. You can smoke the peace pipe until your d*ck falls off, but I am not dancing with any f*cking wolves no matter how high I get. Not that I get high, but if I did my sh*t would still believe in our lord and savior Jesus Christ.
If there’s one thing I hate its losing. If there’s two things I hate it’s losing and getting cancer.
You know what Kenny Powers says??? Fundamentals are a crutch for the talentless.
This one coach tried to put me on a weight training program. And I was all like “you and your weights can go f*ck off somewhere — I am not lifting that sh*t — it’s heavy.” You tell me why I need strength training when I am strong enough to throw a god damn 100 mile per hour pitch. f*ck that.