Season 1: Eastbound and Down Chapter 4
Kenny Powers Lines
Honey, I love you, I think you’re a terrific girl, but you have clothes like a f*cking d*ckhead.
These are the most memorable Kenny Powers quotes from this episode, and also include readings from the famous audiobook “You’re F*cking Out, I'm F*cking In”.
Sitting here, waiving her cervix around like its the hottest ticket in town.
Stupid cookout. As if their f*cking cookout is any sort of big thing. You should see my f*cking cookouts, man. When I was back in Seattle, I had the goddamn Spoonman from the Soundgarden videos coming to my sh*t. I’m talking 6 grills burning at all times. Tiki torches, 3 whole pigs, sh*tloads of macaroni and cheeses, baked potatoes, collard greens, a horse, f*cking Puerto Rican chicks showing their pussies and tits off everywhere. They were amazing.
What did I tell you? I said put something nice on. You look like a busted Daytona stripper in that sh*t .... I don’t want no p*ssy-getting-wet dresses for this cookout. This needs to be a normal evening outfit that regular people would wear.
Lovely? Her? .... He’s my boss, so don’t try to suck him off.
I don’t know what’s going on, man. I’m just all jammed up inside. Lost my abilities. Been stripped of all of my god-given talents. Including the talents to be able to have sex with any woman I choose, or throw a f*cking ball fast, or to not prematurely come in my pants. Sometimes I just don’t even know which one hurts the most. I’m ashamed of myself.
I’m not crying Dustin. It’s just this stupid pollen, it’s in my eyes and making them f*cking water.
Readings From the Kenny Powers Audiobook
There’s one thing I have learned through all my adventures and conquests - it’s that some people are just wired for success. I had no choice when it came to being great - I just am great.
I am not trying to sound cocky or full of myself, but Kenny Powers has a sneaking suspicion that no matter what comes his way he will always be great. Because that’s just the way sh*t works sometimes.
This has been based on a true story. The mother f*cking end.
Narrator: You’ve reached the end of “You’re f*cking Out, I’m f*cking In”. Read by Kenny Powers.