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Season 1: Eastbound & Down Chapter 5

Kenny Powers Quotes

Kenny Powers Quotes

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Oh, sh*t. I can’t do this. I’m about to have a f*cking panic attack. I need 4 Xanax, and 2 Miller Lites.

These are the most memorable Kenny Powers quotes from this episode, and also include readings from the famous audiobook “You’re F*cking Out, I'm F*cking In”.

I’m laying down my new audiobook. No writing, just spoken words - the old fashioned way.

[Is there anything special you want me to call the file?] Yeah, name the file “Press record now before I smash your f*cking face in!”

I’m coming there as Kenny Powers the man, not the legend, the one he’s pissed at.

Kenny Powers’ days of burning ass are done. And that’s not a homosexual reference. I made a promise to myself, and I’m not going to break it for the sake of capitalism. So sorry.

I just figured I might as well look the part .... Just a normal, regular teacher with no hopes or dreams, absolutely nothing, just waiting to die. Just like you guys.

I’m just like you now, Dustin. Just kinda calm and weak.

Whatever needs to be set up for a pitching contest - set that sh*t up!

Oh, sh*t. I can’t do this. I’m about to have a f*cking panic attack. I need 4 Xanax, and 2 Miller Lites.

I just want you to know that I’ve been thinking alot, about, you know, what happened at the cookout .... It’s just that we were there, and then we were touching each other, and I saw those t*ts and I started feeling your ass and I started breathing heavy and almost got a headache. Then my vision started to go all colorful. Then I just came in my pants. But I won’t do that again.

[you knocked his f*cking eye out] You’re goddamn right I did! I was aiming for his f*cking eye. I got my pitch back!

Schaeffer! Suck a fat one!

Readings From the Kenny Powers Audiobook

Kenny Powers Audiobook

These excerpts are taken from the yet-to-be-released audiobook recorded at Stevie Janowski’s house:

When my ass was 34 years old, I quit professional baseball. I hadn’t played professionally for several years now, but in my heart I quit for real this time. Tonight...

Its time I accept the fact that the glory days of my life are now behind me. Just like Neil Armstrong, I went to space and now I’m back, and nobody gives a sh*t.

Therefore, I will now settle into this new life. I will find new ways in which to use this arm. I will take my current responsibilities seriously and try to do them the best that I possibly can.

And realizing that the love of my life has chosen another I will move forward with out her. I do all of these things not because I want to, but because I have to.

From this moment forward Kenny Powers is just like everyone else. Normal. Not special. No hopes. No dreams. Pretending to be happy when he’s really super sad. Just an average guy with exceptional hair. Nothing more, and nothing less.

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Kenny Powers Bobblehead

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Kenny Powers and Eastbound & Down are TM & © 2017 HBO. We are not affiliated with HBO, who we hope don't sue us - we just love this show, so hopefully that counts for something...
Any baseball teams referenced are TM & © 2017 MLB Major League Baseball.