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Season 4: Eastbound and Down Chapter 25

Kenny Powers Lines

Kenny Powers Lines

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In most of nature, the alpha is the strongest of the pack — a creature of immense strength, large in size — a leader from birth. Hippos, bumble bees, Wayans brothers — most of the time they just look for the biggest amongst them...

These are the most memorable Kenny Powers quotes from this episode, including his speech for the Kenny Powers’ Extra Innings After School Baseball Camp, and narration about enemies.

It is now your turn, my son. Feed his desires. Give Dakota this chicken chow-mein...

Toby, goddammit! He ain’t gonna be able to reach that. That’s not even feedin’ ’em — you’re cock teasin’ ’em!!!

F*ckin’ very best friends are f*ckin’ dope to be...

I need to check my Palm Pilot, but I think I’m just chillin’...

Because of my martial arts training, my muscles are tuned to excel at oriental activities...

Now I know you got a one track mind right now, so don’t be comin’ at me with some save the limp d*ck foundation...

Scientifically speaking, what’s probably going on here with the f*ckin’ downstairs business is your boner muscles are looking at yourself in the mirror, and they’re saying Jesus Christ, there’s no way in hell that any woman is ever gonna f*ckin’ let me pump her...

You put zero, to no effort, into your personal appearance. I mean, maybe try spending more that 6 bucks on a haircut. You know, buy shirts that aren’t f*ckin’ plum colored...

Let the d*ck guide you, alright? The d*ck knows what it wants to wear. And right now — the d*ck wants to be a hunk...

I want ’yall to pretend that you’re diggin’ up the ancient city of El Dorado. I want you to find these jewels and treasures that will save your entire village...

Hey, wheelbarrow one — pretend like there’s a chupacabra chasin’ your ass. There you go. Faster!

Goddamn, dude. Why are you takin’ me onto the set of City of God, man? This place isn’t gentrified for a reason...

Jesus Christ, Guy Young has AIDS. Why can’t I get AIDS? I want f*ckin’ AIDS!!!

Dude you’re being very nerdy with your clothes picking. No wonder your d*ck’s not gettin’ hard, dude. Probably can’t even breathe in there. Polyester pleats? You f*ckin’ jackass...

The only thing that would make me happy is if all these kids had AIDs...

I need your linguistics to be on point. Talk about finances, talk about ancient affairs, industrialism. I need you to be the f*ckin’ Bill O’Reilly with tits in there...

Kimosabe — you’re showing brain. Your scrotum, and some of your testicles are leaking out of your diaper there...

I know what you guys are thinkin.’ Who the hell this crackah think he is? Walkin’ up in here, this honky motherf*ckah.

We got up there, and the party was definitely a little more intense than any of us had anticipated. There were girls there... And Gene had unprotected oral sex with one of the girls. Gene f*cked a girl in her ass...

Tel, you sat there and watched it f*ckin’ happen! You jerked off. He sat there and let it happen, and got off on it...

Hell yeah they do. Let’s smash these f*ckin’ losers so hard their charities don’t get a goddamn dime...

Kenny Powers’ Extra Innings After School Baseball Class

Kenny Powers Charity Speech

Cause this cracker-ass, honky motherf*cker, from this day forward, is now the face of you guys. I’ve chosen to battle on your behalf in the celebrity charity dragon boat race. There’s gonna be other causes that, frankly, are way more interesting than you guys. Things like Lyme’s Disease, cleft palettes in war torn countries, and rain forests...

But don’t let that scare you. Cause I’m gonna make a promise to each and every one of you, that when I go out there — I will win...

I’m here to amend for the atrocities of my ancestors. You think I’m proud to come from a powdered wig, wooden teeth motherf*cker???

So look — I’m lookin’ around this f*ckin’ baseball park and it sucks — I get it, man. There’s a goddamn swamp in the outfield, there’s a used tampon stuck to 2nd base. But now that I’m your leader, all that sh*t’s about to change...

I’ll crush those other charities in the dragon boat race, and when I do I will bring back that skrilla — that cash money. I’ll spend it here — we’ll get a goddamn brand new couch...

We’re gonna change your lives, and I have a feeling that right now the change has begun. Get ready for victory. You’re with a champion now...

Kenny Powers Montage Narration: Enemies

Kenny Powers Narration: Enemies

Enemies can appear in our lives out of nowhere... A stranger who cuts you off in traffic, a dude who looks at you weird in the men’s room, or treasured friends who betray you out of jealousy... But when enemies do rise up, they must be dealt with decisively, on animal instinct...

Mortals falter. Kings act. And a mortal who acts? Well, that motherf*cker becomes king...

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Kenny Powers and Eastbound & Down are TM & © 2017 HBO. We are not affiliated with HBO, who we hope don't sue us - we just love this show, so hopefully that counts for something...
Any baseball teams referenced are TM & © 2017 MLB Major League Baseball.