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Season 3: Eastbound & Down Chapter 16

Kenny Powers Lines

Kenny Powers Lines

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Do you think f*ckin’ Luke Skywalker would have learned anything from Yoda if he would have kept saying "no" everytime he f*ckin’ asked him to do something??? ... From f*ckin’ Star Wars, dog...

These are the most memorable Kenny Powers lines from this episode, and also include readings from the new audiobook that Kenny did himself the favor of pre-writing.

We’re gonna have to, unfortunately, convert the dojo into Toby’s room. I’m gonna need you to baby proof this bitch up. Stash all the weapons, make it kid friendly...

You guys are parents now. And with parenthood comes certain sacrifices. A white baby needs care, basically 24/7...

I gotta pretty f*ckin’ dope life here in Myrtle Beach. I’m not gonna let some handsome, hot as f*ck, little child ruin it. You got that, Toby? Look how cute he is. I f*ckin’ hate him...

What the f*ck are you satan worshippers lookin’ at over here???

Big deal. This f*ckin’ Russian ass wipe can throw 102 at practice. But can homeboy do that sh*t in the heat of a game???

This is what you want me to do? Just f*ckin’ sit here and play word games with this motherf*cker???

Seems like he has a big ego, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned — uhhh — there is no room for egos and sh*t in baseball...

You’re trying to turn me into motherf*ckin’ Mr. Miyagi? ... Well, Mr. Miyagi was f*ckin’ four feet tall and Chinese...

Whenever I’ve experienced major obstacles in my life, I can usually depend on the power of a beautiful woman’s love to help me conquer...

Will you be the woman that would come to a very important game of mine, in the moment of crisis, rise, stand — look me dead in the eyes — and give me the confidence I need to prevail???

You think I wanna f*ckin’ hang out with my f*ckin’ son? Hell no! I’d much rather be doin’ cocaine and watchin’ Saw movies on DVD in your dorm room with ya’...

She also tried to seduce me, put me into drugs, and put alcohol down my throat, and tried to have me, have sex to her...

Cause what we have is solid gold. Why am I gonna ruin that on some old worn out pussy that popped a kid out a year ago?

The trident. Poseidon, god of the oceans’ weapon of choice. Ancient mermen used to use this weapon in battle to fight against the crustacean armies, and all the shrimps, and jellyfish of the sea...

In order to become a man, and on the team, you have to crawl into there and murder a rat. Everyone on the team has done this before...

You better f*ckin’ think again bro. I’m the most famous person the Mermen have on the team. Next one up to the majors... I’m the f*ckin’ team leader, I’m the franchise star player. See it, saw it, sawn it...

quote

I’m sorry that you decorated the room sh*ttily. I’m sorry Shane is my best friend. And most importantly, I’m sorry that I just broke this silly f*cking lamp...

I don’t want my dojo to look like a place that Cabbage Patch Kids come to f*ck!

Welcome to America, baby dick...

I’m gonna change this f*ckin’ sh*tty song for something more coke worthy...

Audiobook: Chapter Three - The Feeling of Winning Big Time, Dude.

Kenny Powers Audiobook

Once upon a time I believed in destiny. But now I say F that, B. Everything I have in this life I earned myself. There’s no cosmic luck deciding sh*t for us. My wealth, my fame, my World Series pennant I earned myself.

 

The one thing I didn’t earn myself was when I caught crabs. I think I got those from sleeping at a Red Roof Inn.

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Kenny Powers and Eastbound & Down are TM & © 2017 HBO. We are not affiliated with HBO, who we hope don't sue us - we just love this show, so hopefully that counts for something...
Any baseball teams referenced are TM & © 2017 MLB Major League Baseball.