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Season 3: Eastbound and Down Chapter 17

Kenny Powers Lines

Kenny Powers Lines

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Think about it alright? Some straight up Omen sh*t! Kid drives me and April apart. Kid drives April nuts. You bring him to my game and then suddenly, for no reason at all, I momentarily lose all of my abilities. And now Shane is dead...

These are the most memorable Kenny Powers lines from this episode. In addition to the usual readings from the new audiobook, we also included the unwanted eulogy Kenny Powers forced on everyone at Shane’s funeral. Queue up the Candlebox and Pearl Jam Alive...

May the white horse take you to the furthest reaches of man’s imaginations. I’m gonna miss you, bro.

I’ve been super cool to you. I’ve given you a bowl of Chex Mix and some water. Why are you making curses upon me? ... If I give you toy will that raise the curse? Will you stop f*cking up my life, Toby???

Well, your d*ck is all dumb and smashed in, and played out in those rollerskating shorts...

Yeah, and you don’t know anything about Lance Mountain. Or f*ckin’ Steve Caballero...

Yeah, well hopefully when you go out there you’ll find your green card and surf on the f*ck home...

Hey Balky! We already lost one Mermens this week maybe you could make it two!!!

Maria I don’t know why you’re wasting your time reading to him in Spanish. To him it probably just sounds like a bunch or garbilly guck like it does to me...

Toby — in an attempt to make peace, so you stop f*cking up my sh*t, I present you with this, your first pet. It’s a hermit crab, and I believe his name is Spurgeon...

Then say it with me. Magical adventures, one, two, three.. . He has risen indeed...

Don’t bury him yet. I’d love to add to the speeches...

What’s with the human chain? You guys tryin’ to play Red Rover???

Audiobook: Chapter Four - Loss, Fears, And Doubts.

Kenny Powers Audiobook

Have I had moments where I questioned this comeback? Moments where doubt haunted my mind? The easy answer is yes. But the difficult and truly great answer is no. I’ve trained my mind and heart to the methods only known to myself to have no doubt, and only fear of things you should be afraid of. Like fire or bears. Or even angel dust.

Shane's Funeral Eulogy: End of Intro to Funeral Speech.

Kenny Powers Gives Shane's Funeral Eulogy

Good afternoon to everyone. I’m Kenny Powers. And if you’re here, then you’re someone Shane cared about, you’re someone Shane loved. Or maybe you’re just somebody who has no business being here at all. Who’s just here because you think it’s gonna make you more popular — like Ivan. Everyone’s wondering why you’re here, because you didn’t even know Shane. Don’t worry about it though — it’s cool, no one’s complaining.

You know, Shane and I used to f*ck around big time. We’d f*ckin’ party hard, ride our vehicles around, slay ass. We also watched alot of cinema films together. We loved the movie Top Gun, and often times we would joke with each other, who was Goose, and who was Tom Cruise.

Well, now that Shane is dead, I guess we know who is Goose. Shane is Goose, because in that motion picture Goose dies. So, Shane is dead, so he would be Goose, and that would make me Tom Cruise. I’m Tom Cruise guys.

Everyone close your eyes. Close your eyes everybody. Now picture Shane’s face. Happy, well manicured facial hair, his body youthful, and full of life.

Now picture Shane now. His cold, lifeless face. Eyeballs mushed and smashed in, little strands of hair still just coming off of his head. Looks all scary, like that little smart ass from Tales From the Crypt — the little crypt keeper guy. That’s the kind of skeleton that Shane is now.

Now open your eyes. Everyone open them. What do you see? You see me. Shane now lives through me. I have his power.

Not only do I have the fuel of Kenny Powers inside of me, I now have all of Shane’s f*ckin’ powers too. So anyone who wants to step up to this sh*t, better recognize...

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Kenny Powers and Eastbound & Down are TM & © 2017 HBO. We are not affiliated with HBO, who we hope don't sue us - we just love this show, so hopefully that counts for something...
Any baseball teams referenced are TM & © 2017 MLB Major League Baseball.