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Season 3: Eastbound and Down Chapter 21

Kenny Powers Lines

Kenny Powers Lines

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I’ve got an incredible job opportunity that is going to force me to relocate to a much drier, more arid climate. But I hope that you know that while I’m gone, all the wealth that I will acquire, all the fame, and fortunes, and all the women that I will bed, I will be doing all that stuff so that you’ll be proud of me. So that you can be proud of your dad.

Once Kenny Powers gets called up to Texas, he starts saying his goodbyes to the important people in his life. We include those inspirational words of wisdom, the last chapter / epilogue to his pre-written audiobook “I’m F*cking Back”, as well as his final speech to April Buchanan.

Finally sh*t’s back to normal. I’m once again a single, thick-d*cked swingin’ bachelor, with no dumb baggage to f*ckin’ carry me down. Thank you Christ for allowing all this awesome stuff to happen...

What do you want to do? Offer your franchise star player a blowjob slash handjob for saving your stinky ass?

Everybody be cool. This isn’t a school shooting it’s something far more fantastic...

Truth be told, I’m a grown up real person. Sure your bodies might be tight. You might like to have sex in amazing, cool, intricate positions, but besides that sh*t, ya’ll don’t have a f*ckin’ clue...

Sh*t ya’ll are doing, the f*ckin’ facebook sh*t, the internets, the f*ckin’ DVDs, that’s all bullsh*t. You’re sh*t isn’t real. But from where I’m standin’, a full grown man, who has achieved his dreams. Yeah, that’s right, I’m goin’ back to the majors. My sh*t is about as real as it gets...

Besides, I can out party, out drink, and out f*ck each of you. Youth can suck my d*ck...

Saying goodbye to you is gonna hurt. I’ve ripped up alot of awesome waves on this boogey board. Basically owned this goddamned beach. Adios friend...

Maria you must be pretty happy though, huh? Texas has a f*ckin’ weather climate very similar to Mexico, except it doesn’t stink like f*ckin’ buttholes and donkeys...

It’s the keys to the Panty Dropper. If you’re gonna stay in Myrtle and become a man, than you’re sure as hell gonna need a man’s water recreational vehicle...

Steven Bernard Janowski, you are hereby relieved of your duties as my assistant. You have served me well, hombre. And I give you the right to name your child after me, regardless of gender...

Well, technically I use this pipe to smoke DMT, but now its the home to Spurgeon, his hermit crab that’s a pet...

I’m in a f*ckin’ Cameron Crowe movie!!!

The End of Kenny Powers Audiobook “I’m F*cking Back”

Kenny Powers Audiobook

That was the moment I realized I had finally achieved everything I worked so hard for. Despite the countless obstacles and adversities I had faced along the way. It was that exact moment when I looked into that batter’s eyes and I saw stone cold, child like fear. The first time in so many moons I felt I was in total control. I held my own destiny in my hands as sure as I held that baseball. My future, everything, comes down to one final pitch.

The moments directly following a comeback are hands f*ckin’ down the sweetest part. When everybody you’ve ever known, the whole world in fact, celebrates your success. Everyone gets some.

The little people who acted as stepping stones in your path to success. They can brag to their children about how they aided you. Even if it was only in some stupid insignificant way.

Even the enemies you’ve made along the way. They have to begrudge the fact that you’ve shoved their jealousness, lack of faith and spite, right back in their f*ckin’ hater faces.

But I imagine it’s probably sweetest for those that truly believed in you. Those that stood by you through the good times, and the not so good times.

Standing by a champion is a feat unto itself. I mean it’s not as much work as actually doin’ the comeback, but it still should count for something.

I hope this inspirational novel story helps to give you inspiration in your attempts to stop being a regular normal person, and start being a champion instead.

Dreams and riches do come true for some people. But take it from me, Kenny Powers. I’m out. The end — of the book.

Kenny Powers Final Speech to April Buchanan

Kenny Powers Final Speech to April Buchanan

When I came back from Mexico, I made you a promise that I would do whatever it takes to make this thing work. And I failed you on that promise. I was hypnotized by my vast fame, my immense power. My incredible ego had gotten the better of me.

I used to think that the only way to live was by winning. Now I’ve realized that sometimes, losing is cool too.

[How do you mean?]

Well, like having a family. I mean not that having a family is losing. I mean it’s winning — kind of. But, you know what...

The bottom line — I want to be there for you April. I want to be there for Toby. I want to be there for our f*cking family.

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Kenny Powers and Eastbound & Down are TM & © 2017 HBO. We are not affiliated with HBO, who we hope don't sue us - we just love this show, so hopefully that counts for something...
Any baseball teams referenced are TM & © 2017 MLB Major League Baseball.