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Season 4: Eastbound & Down Chapter 28

Kenny Powers Lines

Kenny Powers Lines

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I know you look up to me even though I’m your younger brother. Truth be told, I look up to you sometimes too. Just a normal, not famous, boring-ass family man — and everybody’s cool with it. Nobody expects anything more. It’s like they love you for being nothing — very lucky not to be respected...

These are the most memorable Kenny Powers quotes from this episode, include both narrations, and his Sports Sesh XXX-Mas special meltdown.

Man, you better chill with that Bob Cratchit bullsh*t. Don’t be actin’ like you don’t get paid handsomely — that sh*t is gonna piss me off...

Your goddamn whole thing is covered in it. It looks like the f*ckin’ tip of Mount Everest...

But as your new leader, I promise you that I will turn this f*ckin’ sinking ship around, with the help of a Sesh Christmas special. Sound team, I’m gonna need you guys to cut together a symphony of farts. I need it to be hilarious, okay??? Casting, I’d like you to find me an array of young, beautiful women to be my reindeer. Wardrobes, I’d like you to create some reindeer suits with the titties cut out...

Guy Young? He’s a racist, Jimmy. Being racist — it’s far from dope, dudes. I defeated Guy Young, so that makes me the HNIC...

Y’all want to f*ck with two dudes wearing Wilsons Leather black f*ckin’ coats??? None of you want to f*ck with this Wilsons Leather sh*t...

Oh, I know it’s not fair — my legal dream team is long dickin’ you up the butt. I’ll spend every penny I have to win this divorce, do you hear me???

You selfish little trollop! How dare you keep those children from me on Christmas morn — those children are gonna be devastated...

I appreciate the fact you’re interested in my life’s story — but you’re not readin’ it, alright? Ya think Tom Cruise or Vin Diesel goes around lettin’ just any Tom, Dick, or Jay Leno read their f*ckin’ screenplays???

Still f*ckin’ rich as hell, still on TV, still livin’ in the f*ckin’ Presidential Suite in the middle of downtown Charlotte — I’d say sh*t’s goin’ pretty good...

You’d f*ckin’ catch me dead before I goddamn go caroling, alright — that sh*t’s for Christians and retards...

This played out exactly how I said it would — you’re gonna change your heart, you’re gonna want to come back to me, and by that time I’m gonna be rich and famous, you little Christmas star f*cker...

F*ckin’ stop tryin’ to François Truffaut this bullsh*t, motherf*cker! You ain’t in the DGA — just zoom in and shut the f*ck up...

Because, April. I’m a celebrity — I’m trying to protect their identity from the paparazzi...

I just figured that the whole tradition of buying each other presents was flushed down the toilet like our marriage vows...

Girls. Ladies. Attentions, tits ladies. I’m officially closing Tater ’N Tits. Please return your uniforms to the appropriate offices, and you won’t be getting paid for today. I’m sorry — you didn’t finish your complete work load...

Don’t blame me cause you went and Frankenstein’d your whole face and blew your f*ckin’ money on Maria’s titties...

Just don’t show us any goddamn Faces of Death sh*t right now — no one here wants to see that!!!

You’re gonna be okay, man. You just blew your stupid f*ckin’ chin off...

Kenny Powers’ Meltdown: Sports Sesh XXX-Mas

Kenny Powers at Sports Sesh XXX-Mas Special

But then again, Christmas is pretty much a crock of sh*t — is it not? Buyin’ expensive ass presents — tryin’ to out do each other. You can buy f*ckin’ millions of expensive presents for your kids, and what will they do? They’ll focus on the one goddamn thing you didn’t get ’em...

You could be a perfect husband for years. Years! Doin’ every f*ckin’ thing they ask you to do. And then all of a sudden one day your wife wakes up and decides, hey, I don’t wanna be married to this dude anymore, so I’m gonna divorce ’em. And now suddenly you’re the bad guy — that’s how it goes...

Woooo! Hoooo! Thank you, Santa Claus — you f*ckin’ dick licker! Oooh, you don’t want me to badmouth Christmas? Well how ’bout this? Christmas can suck this dick! F*ck Christmas!!!

No, don’t boo me! Oh, you guys like Christmas? You like Christmas this much? F*ck goddam Christmas! ... F*ck Christmas! ... Christmas can suck my dick! F*ck Christmas! ... Ho, ho, frickin’ ho! ... You hear me? ... SUCK MY DICK, CHRISTMAS — F*CK YOU!!!

Kenny Powers Montage Narration: Forward and Sharing Gold

Kenny Powers Narration

Some say change is the hardest thing in the world. They say that who ever you are, you’re stuck bein’ that person ’til you’re dead. The transformation from worm to butterfly is nature’s ultimate metamorphosis. The change into your ultimate self is easy when there’s no other option...

You look back at the past, at the man you were — you’re like man, f*ck that little bitch, f*ck that bitch ass life. Then you peer into the future’s midst, and you get just a glance at the future you — all strong and rich, gettin’ your f*ckin’ come up. And you’re like awww hell yeah — that’s the motherf*ckin’ man I’m becomin’. That’s the f*ckin’ man I wants to be...

Cause a real man knows there’s only one direction to face — and that’s f*ckin’ forward...

Fame — fortune — power. Titties. People say these are the most crucial things in life. But you can have a pocket full of gold, and it doesn’t mean sh*t if you don’t have someone to share that gold with. Seems simple, yet it’s an important lesson to learn. Even lone wolves run in packs sometimes...

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Kenny Powers and Eastbound & Down are TM & © 2017 HBO. We are not affiliated with HBO, who we hope don't sue us - we just love this show, so hopefully that counts for something...
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