Bio: Who is Kenny Powers #55?
...I've decided Kenny Powers is a man. Kenny Powers is an athlete. Kenny Powers is a lover. But the most he is, I mean the thing that Kenny Powers is most, is a goddamn champion...
That is his own self-opinion. But really, Kenny Powers is a loud-mouthed, abrasive, former major league baseball superstar. He was a closer, and his character is molded out of spare parts from other real-life baseball relief pitchers:
The off-color comments of John Rocker, the mullet of Mitch Williams (less straggley than Randy Johnson’s), the fastball of Robb Nen, the steroid use of Eric Gagne, and the cocaine habit of Steve Howe.
After washing out of baseball, Kenny returns to his hometown of Shelby, North Carolina, to live with his brother Dustin and his family. Kenny takes a job as a gym teacher at the local middle school for some income while training to make his return to the major leagues.
Hobbies: Offending everyone around him, riding his jet ski “The Panty Dropper”, drinking Miller High Life or Tecate, and dreaming of returning to the majors
Attire: Athletic / coaching gear, all black — “more indicative of the Kenny Powers rebel persona”, or all white — “La Flama Blanca” suit
Nicknames: The People's Champion, The Shelby Sensation, The Reverse Apache Master, The Man with the Golden D*ck, Doctor C*ck and Balls
Kenny Powers #55 — Baseball Superstar
As a nineteen year-old rookie for the Atlanta Braves, Kenny Powers was brought in to close out Game 7 of the 2002 World Series against the Baltimore Orioles.
On a full count with the bases loaded, he struck out Friarson on a fastball to win the game (and get the save), where he coined his famous catchphrase — “You’re f*cking out!”
With his overnight fame and success Kenny Powers “was handed the keys to the kingdom” — popularity, millions of dollars, and endorsement deals. Since the owners were no longer giving him what he needed to make the team a winner, he left Atlanta for free agency.
Due to his huge ego, and politically incorrect comments in each city, Kenny can't seem to stay with a team for more than one season. He moves from New York, to San Francisco, to Boston, and on to Seattle. But with each stop, he leaves more and more of his fastball behind...
With velocity down from 101 mph to 88 mph in Boston, Powers turns to steroids. The following year with Seattle, he is barely breaking 80 mph, and looks like he spends more time partying than working on throwing strikes.
With the bases loaded, Powers floats a weak fastball down the middle to his arch-nemesis Reg Mackworthy, who cranks it for a grand slam. This ends his baseball career... You
Kenny Powers — Regular Guy
Just like his fastball, Kenny Powers’ career came and went. And so did the “sh*tloads of money” that he used to make.
Now broke and out of baseball, Kenny Powers moves in with his brother Dustin and his family, and has to take a job as a substitute gym teacher “just so the government can garnish his wages.”
Kenny needs money badly, and doing promotions for the local Ashley Schaeffer BMW dealership, selling his jetski, or his baseball memorabilia never work out for him. Neither do his attempts to re-kindle a relationship with his old girlfriend April.
But the biggest adjustment for Kenny is that nobody in town respects him on the level they used to when he was a baseball superstar:
Funny thing. When you’re on top of the world, every motherf*cker wants a piece of your ass. But then you take a little time off from being unstoppable, just to re-group and relax, no one will give you the time of f*cking day. This face used to cash f*cking checks. And this d*ck - wooooooo. I guess Kenny Powers ain’t what he used to be...
Kenny views his time in Shelby as a death sentence, and decides its time to step up his training program to get back to major league baseball, and get out of Shelby forever.
He turns to steroids / performance enhancing drugs as a way to “kick-start the training”, but he can't get his fastball back above 70 mph. Once an opportunity with April finally presents itself, he ends up prematurely “blowing it.”
The loss of his talents and abilities make Kenny Powers ashamed of himself, and at the age of 34, he re-retires from professional baseball forever. Finally Kenny admits that his glory days are behind him, and vows to move on from April, and take his responsibilities in regular life more seriously:
From this moment forward Kenny Powers is just like everyone else. Normal. Not special. No hopes. No dreams. Pretending to be happy when he’s really super sad. Just an average guy with exceptional hair. Nothing more, and nothing less.
But all of this changes after Kenny Powers knocks Mackworthy’s eye out, and gets his “pitch” back. The Tampa Bay Rays make him a contract offer to return to the majors, and April decides to leave Cutler, and move with him to Tampa...
Deep Inside Mexico — “Steve” the Cockfighter
Just when things were starting to look up for Kenny Powers, he receives a call from Pat Anderson telling him the contract offer to return to major league baseball was off the table.
Instead of admitting failure, Kenny decides it’s better to ditch April with her luggage at a gas station, and keep on driving to Mexico, or as he calls it, “the butthole of America.”
South of the border, Kenny Powers re-invents himself with a new outlaw persona that he built on a stolen identity — “Steve” the cockfighter. Complete with cornrows, a pistol, and two enforcers (Hector and Aaron the Midget), Kenny Powers goes deep inside Mexico making a living with his prized cock Big Red:
Next time you wanna bet on my cock, you better bring some f*cking pesos. Got it ese???
Kenny Powers — The Comeback Player
After Big Red dies in the ring, Kenny Powers gets rolled by his own gang. Alone, with nowhere else to turn, Kenny Powers decides he needs to make a baseball comeback with the local team, the Charros.
Kenny Powers thinks that success in the Mexican league will get him noticed again by major league baseball back at home in America. He views his return as being “like a retired gunfighter, being called out of retirement for one more f*cking showdown.”
The filthy rich owner of the Charros, Sebastian Cisneros, pledges his full support to Kenny during his return. He spends money on promotional posters, and other props needed for Kenny Powers to make his theatrical WWE style entrance in his first game:
I basically want this sh*t to have the pageantry of like a goddamn Alabama concert. I’m talking fireworks, smokebombs, laser beams, moonwalks...
Everything is going great with pitching, but the local fans are just not responding to the Kenny Powers showmanship and style like Americans always did. In a bench clearing brawl, Kenny decks an opposing player, and finally gains the admiration of the fanbase.
Now with the respect of the fans on his side, Kenny Powers keeps pushing the envelope as a showman, making a mockery of the game. To teach Kenny a lesson in humility, and make him respect the game of baseball more, the coach benches him.
After getting benched, Kenny walks in on Sebastian face down on Vida, and it pushes him completely over the edge. In an epic meltdown, Kenny Powers gets wasted and interrupts a Charros game, insults the fans by birthing a soccer ball, brandishes a firearm, shoots the ball, throws the gun in the stands, and quits the team.
Kenny Powers’ Dad — Eduardo Sanchez
With his baseball comeback in ruins, Kenny Powers leaves for a nearby village, seeking out the elusive Eduardo Sanchez. What we didn’t know was that Eduardo Sanchez is Kenny Powers’ dad.
After meeting Eduardo Sanchez, it’s more than evident Kenny Powers inherited his arrogance and bragging traits from his father. Kenny is having a great time admiring and bonding with Eduardo, but the feeling is not mutual.
To get him out of his life again, Eduardo Sanchez double-crosses Kenny by tipping off the Federales, and having he and Stevie arrested. When Kenny gets bailed out by his stepmother, she tells Kenny the truth about Eduardo Sanchez — that he lied about his successes, and was mooching off her. Disappointed and disgusted with his ways, Kenny Powers tells Eduardo Sanchez off:
Crazy... Here I grew up a whole entire world away from you, and end up exactly like you. Lyin', cheatin', back-stabbing gigolo ... Well you know what, I don't think I want to be like you anymore...
Kenny Powers — La Flama Blanca
On the quest to find Eduardo Sanchez, Kenny Powers also learned another important truth — April Buchanan never married Cutler. Before he could leave Mexico to get April back, Kenny gets a surprise visit from Pat Anderson, who is trying to make amends by arranging for a scout to watch Kenny Powers pitch.
Kenny Powers never liked “The White Flame” monicker that Stevie created to promote him to the locals by saying “I’m wearing all black. Outlaws wear black. Fags and cocaine dealers wear white.” But Kenny would soon change his views on wearing white, when Stevie gives him a handmade present from Maria.
She custom embroidered “La Flama Blanca” onto the back of a white suit with silver flames on it. Kenny Powers is blown away by this gift, and sees it as a spiritual enlightenment:
La Flama Blanca. It’s Spanish for the White Flame. I was pitching pure, from the heart, and so that’s why I wore a suit with white and silver flames on it.
Donning the white suit, and viewing himself as a Christ figure, Kenny Powers is on a mission to resolve all conflicts in Mexico. He already got his job back with the Charros, and his next item of business is to free all of Aaron and Hector’s chickens, and then blow their truck up. After sweet revenge, Kenny visits Vida to apologize to her and Tony, and to explain that he is definitely a tit man — “now and forever.”
Kenny Powers pitches great in his Charros farewell game, and gets offered a contract for Double AA Myrtle Beach. In his white suit that would later be compared to Boss Hogg’s, Kenny oversees Stevie and Maria’s wedding before they come home to America. Back in Shelby, Kenny Powers makes another disruptive appearance at the middle school looking for April, only this time sporting “La Flama Blanca” for purity, instead of the usual “man in black” outlaw attire.
Soon Kenny Powers is floored with the news that April is pregnant, and that he’s the father. Will Kenny Powers stay as pure as La Flama Blanca and help April raise the baby, or will he go back to his old ways and turn out like Eduardo Sanchez?
Kenny Powers — Unwilling Rookie Parent
With his major league baseball comeback underway, Kenny Powers is paying zero attention to parental duties, instead acting as the self-appointed king of Myrtle Beach with his new best friend:
Don’t be a little contrary c*nt just because me and Shane Dog, two young bloods, are running this town, owning this team, and chasing down our goddamn dreams....
Kenny is pitching his ass off, and tearing up Myrtle Beach with a new girlfriend almost half his age. After a glimpse of his awesome life in Myrtle, Kenny causes a scene at his son’s 1st birthday, ignoring Toby whenever possible.
It should come as no surprise that Kenny was the same old Kenny, and failed to improve upon Eduardo Sanchez’s sub-par parenting. In a brief history lesson, April said Kenny fell short by not “paying child support, being a good daddy, and not f*cking anything with two tits.”
After a throwback night on the town in Myrtle with April, Kenny wakes up to a curveball - April has ditched him with Toby. With absolutely no experience raising children, we get a front row seat to a series of parenting tips from our favorite hero, most of which should be considered child endangerment:
- One year olds can drink Pepsi.
- Use sponges, kitchen towels, and duct tape to make your own diapers.
- Kids don’t need car seats, especially on a motorcycle.
- Backpacks can be used as a baby carrier, provided you poke holes to breathe and fill it with lettuce to eat.
- At the beach you can dig a hole in the sand to hide your infant.
- Penthouse articles can be used for bedtime stories.
Since he cannot manage a baseball comeback and a child at the same time, Kenny panics, asking Dustin’s family to raise Toby. When they reject his proposal, Kenny takes matters into his own hands (and sick mind), attempting to send Toby down river on a raft as seen in the 10 Commandments.
Luckily Kenny Powers has a change of heart, rescuing Toby from his river voyage. At this point, Kenny Powers accepts full responsibility in raising Toby, but he still needs assistance, convincing the Janowskis to move to Myrtle Beach to help him out.
Kenny Powers — Greatest Parent of All Time
Upon arrival, all parental duties are immediately pawned off onto Stevie and Maria, including converting the dojo into a nursery. After Shane’s death, and losing the closer job to Ivan Dochenko, Kenny blamed Toby for being a curse. Things were not getting off to a good start for Kenny and his son...
But after a dejected Kenny returned home from Shane’s disastrous funeral, he needed a friend, and baby Toby was his only option. Kenny Powers requires a confidant in times of need, and his son would momentarily fill that role. They bonded over a bedtime story read from Penthouse magazine, and one would have to assume Toby started to grow on Kenny at that point.
Although Kenny Powers did not fully embrace the idea of raising Toby by himself, his paternal instincts kicked in during a surprise visit from Eduardo Sanchez. Haunted by his childhood, Kenny Powers became extra protective of Toby around his loser grandfather, eventually letting his guard down for babysitting service so he could attend his 4th of July team leader party.
But just when you think Kenny Powers has manned up in the responsible father department, Eduardo talks him into a bad decision. Playing on his need to re-unite with Mrs. Powers, and Kenny’s desire to live free, Eduardo talks Kenny into a scheme to have his mother raise Toby.
It’s super hard to be Charles in Charge when you’re not f*ckin’ Scott Baio...
All they have to do is pay a visit to Mrs. Powers, who commends Kenny Powers for being such a great father. As soon as Kenny foils his dad’s plan to rob Tammy, Eduardo throws him under the bus, revealing his ”loan program“ plan for Toby. Although Mrs. Powers is disgusted with her son throwing in the towel on his own kid, she agrees to raise Toby.
Knowing he made a mistake, Kenny Powers interrupts his mother’s bowling tournament to apologize to her, and reclaim his son. Blaming his actions on the stresses of a baseball career, Kenny also realizes one of his most important lessons yet - if his mother was strong enough to be a man, then Kenny Powers is definitely strong enough to be a woman. He even borrows his mother’s minivan for the drive back to Myrtle Beach...
Shortly after their return home, Toby gets kidnapped by Reg Mackworthy, becoming a pawn in his game of revenge against Kenny. Wanting Toby returned safely at all costs, Kenny Powers prepares for another potentially violent showdown with his nemesis. But instead of killing or maiming each other, they make peace just in time for Kenny‘s return to the mound vs the rival Rockingham Ruckus.
The first time Stevie hoisted Toby above his head like Simba at a baseball game, Kenny blew the save, and blamed his son. This time, Kenny feeds off the power of Toby (and Shane Dog), becoming the big hero for delivering the death blow to their hated rivals. However, Kenny does not have much time to savor the victory before April returns for Toby.
April apologizes for her disappearing act, needing to decompress from raising Toby alone. Kenny sees her point, but proclaims he also rose to the occasion of single parenting, becoming ”the best father that has ever existed.” She offers to take Toby for good, but was not prepared for Kenny’s passive aggressive reaction to just let her leave with their son.
After learning he was called back up to the majors, Kenny stops at April’s to deliver the news, using the return of Toby’s pet hermit crab Spurgeon as his excuse for the visit. April is legitimately happy for Kenny achieving his baseball comeback, but disappointed he will be leaving. Even though April admits she came back for him, Kenny still chooses Texas, asking Toby to be proud of his dad’s career decision.
In his first save attempt for Texas, Kenny throws two quick strikes, but then drops the ball on the mound and walks off the field. Not only does Kenny Powers quit professional baseball, he fakes his own death on the way back to Shelby for a more private life with April and Toby.
Kenny reached the pinnacle of his return, but chose family over baseball. Soon we will see if he’s happy with his decision...