Season 4: Eastbound and Down Chapter 23
Kenny Powers Quotes
This f*ckin’ TV sh*t could kick this goddamn Kenny Powers brand right where it needs to be, dude. I’m talkin’ f*ckin’ product endorsements, restaurant chains, sex tapes, a motherf*ckin’ fragrance...
These are the most memorable Kenny Powers quotes from this episode, and also include making fun of Dontel, his thoughts on getting paid, and montage narration on the value of a capable assistant.
See kids — by putting this pool in, it’s gonna increase the property values of our home, and protect our sh*t from the f*ckin’ sub-primes...
I’m Django Unchained up in this motherf*cker — I signed my own freedom papers...
And said drugs finally lifted a very confusing haze that’d been lingering over me for some time now...
Every single night I go to sleep and Toby’s teacher comes in, school bus driver comes in, both of them start f*ckin’ goin’ down on me. The next thing I know the lesbian principal’s in there, and I’m f*ckin’ turnin’ her out too. I don’t wanna do that sh*t, April. The days of Kenny Powers turnin’ out lesbians are f*ckin’ behind him...
I put my whole entire family’s financial well-being on the line. I’m not gonna be able to f*ckin’ feed or clothe my children. That’s how serious I’m takin’ this fame bullsh*t...
I’m not your uncle, please don’t call me that — I’m not related to you...
Gross — the one that shares my name is over there pickin’ his f*ckin’ boogs...
I’m not blind dude, look at the f*ckin’ craftsmanship, dude. These sh*tty ass f*ckin’ cabinets, this f*ckin’ bullsh*t bar, the laminate tiles — give me a f*ckin’ break!!!
Dude, I have two white kids, dog. Straight up white kids. And I know they’re alot more f*ckin’ expensive to take care of than f*ckin’ four Mexicans, dude...
Wife, if you weren’t married to me, and you saw this sh*t on the street would you try to f*ckin’ pound this ass? Be honest with me. Cause right now, I’m startin’ to kinda feel like Oprah — big and black...
Just remember this sh*t — when I come home and have a victory celebration cause I kicked ass on the show and I eat a whole goddamn pizza by myself, and don’t share one single slice with you. No slices for wife...
There’s too much estrogen over here. I’m gonna go hang with the men folk...
Once you punch your boss in his face, you don’t usually get your job back...
My whole goddamn world’s in free fall. I gotta go back on this show with these quick-witted bullies to get f*ckin’ double pen‘ied on live television. Stevie doesn’t even believe anymore, now my own wife. My entire mystique has all but f*ckin’ faded...
You know what? Don't feel bad about not being able to get a hard d*ck from your wife. I couldn’t get hard offa her either...
Goddamn fangs, lookin’ like a motherf*ckin’ extra from Blade...
Let’s talk about that baldass shiny head of yours. You look like a black Destro...
Honestly, this motherf*cker looks like a Milk Dud...
You could be Tic Tacs the way your goddamn breath’s kickin’. Smells like you’ve been chewin’ on buttholes all afternoon... Diarrhea buttholes... Diarrhea stinky buttholes...
Kenny Powers Plays to Get Paid
Let’s face facts guys. Playing sports is after all, a business. The way I see it, this dude saw a chance to get paid and he took it — ain’t nuthin’ wrong with that... I played for over ten teams, and you know why? Cause those were the teams willing to pay me the most money...
I play to get paid. That’s the motherf*ckin’ American way. Get that wallet stacked...
Kenny Powers Montage Narration: “The Hands”
Celebrity. The life of an A-lister comes with a unique set of demands. And every celebrated person needs a capable assistant. The assistant acts as the hands. The brain sends the hands sh*t to do, and the hands get it done.
Can a brain function without hands? Yes. Or would it want to? F*ck no...
After all, somebody’s gotta carry the water, fold the clothes, wash the dishes, and wipe the f*ckin’ ass...
For these jobs, there’s none better suited — than the hands...
