Season 4: Eastbound and Down Chapter 27
Kenny Powers Quotes
How can I be a CEO when I’m fightin’ two goddamn battles on different fronts? At home my marriage is sh*ttin’ the bed, and at work I’m dealin’ with a goddamn military coup. If we don’t act fast, Guy Young is going to burn everything we love to the ground...
These are the most memorable Kenny Powers quotes from this episode, including his hot mic in the bathroom, and meltdown at April’s party.
I’m gonna throw you a Hail Mary right now. If there’s anything that can turn your mood — baby it’s this — my good friend Blackie, would like to take you anywhere you want to go. Wash away your worries, and go hang out with Blackie...
So we get divorced, I split, and then we get another jackoff to come in here and support the whole entire family like I do. That sounds great. How about this rollerskating nerd right here???
Divorce is for losers April — we’re not not losers...
The with holdings of affection, and skin colored panties she has with the skid marks with busted elastic. I mean, that’s like a middle finger to my libido...
Oh, I feel you Dakota — a wild animal stuck in the chains of suburbia. Reminds me, of me...
Everyone settle down — I know what Candie’s problem is. Candie’s on her period. I see all these house flies buzzin’ around. I’m thinkin’ they can smell those eggs bleedin’ out your p*ssy. Ovulation is nature’s only miracle...
You know — is she going through menopause? She losing her memories? Did a f*cked up, evil version of her from the future come and f*ckin’ try and ruin my sh*t???
I mean, yes of course, I could do those things, but I choose not to — I’m a good Christian white man...
He never came inside that woman. After a few pumps, he withdrew his penis, and started smashing it between the ring and the lid of the toilet for penance...
You negotiated f*ckin’ twenty thousand dollars for a basic Alabama Beat Down? No! No, that’s a one eight seven price! Man, what the f*ck’s wrong with you???
Kenny Powers’ Hot Mic
Come on you motherf*cker, don’t be rattled. Man, you got this sh*t. Candie Cox — of course they’ll laugh. They’re just being f*ckin’ kind to her ass. Comin’ out here twerkin’. F*ckin’ that broad comedy, f*ck that bitch... You’re the one with the c*ck, bro. You’re the one with the c*ck. Use the f*ckin’ c*ck...
You f*ckin’ go out there. You be confident, man. The audience is lovin’ your f*ckin’ vibe, bro. Just f*ckin’ harness that... Just f*ckin’ irradiate coolness — f*ckin’ calmness — sexual energy — masculinity...
You are handsome, you are loved, and you are strong...
Kenny Powers’ Meltdown at April’s Party: Not Enough
I’m not done April, because now I want to turn the spotlight onto you. What can I do to make you happy now? Let’s try and see. I can’t invite your friends to a f*ckin’ party, cause that’s not enough. I can’t sing a f*ckin’ song with you, cause that’s not enough...
I can’t buy f*ckin’ luxuries, and fancy cars, and expensive fur coats, and fine jewelry, and chinas. That’s not enough either! None of it’s f*ckin’ enough!!!
What do you want? Huh? You want me to quit my f*cking job? Go back to being your little bitch boy? Well it’s not happenin’!!!
If anyone wants to take my television job they’ll have to do it over my dead f*cking body!!!
